The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

 

The Good. 

Strength. 
I am shocked how quickly the leg strength is improving. I just woke up one day and all of a sudden I can peddle for several minutes straight without needing to stop, a couple days after that eye opening moment I am peddling up fucking hills. Im shocked, and god-damn if it doesn't give me a shit ton of motivation. There's days and times when I just dont want to stop, its so motivating and so fucking empowering. 
Im also standing taller, I can feel my body pulling my shoulders back, lifting my head high, I feel 2 inches taller, and for someone whos 6'5 thats quite a trip. My belly is shrinking, I dont know how much weight ive lost, but I can already notice it. My pants wont stay up so theres that, but I can see a visible change in my belly, where I was carrying all that weight. I cannot wait to see what Ill be like in 3 more months. 

Tail wind. 
I got my first tail wind a couple days ago, and Im just wrapping up a day with a light tailwind today. Nothing feels better then having that help up a hill. There was over a week of fucking headwinds and It seriously was the move defeating thing I encountered the whole time. Nothing saps the energy and enthusiasm for what Im doing faster than a fucking headwind. But once I got my first tail wind, I legit smiled while I was on my bike. Its all I could think about. I used that tail wind to not just break through my daily record, but I smashed it. I didnt want to stop that night. I just kept going as far as I could until my ass just couldnt be on that seat any longer. Today, I have a very slight tail wind, which I wish I had known earlier in the day. Today was one of those days when I just didnt want to ride. I sat in Timmys for a couple hours just wasting the day away. One more coffee, one more bagel, one more youtube video Id tell myself. Ive not had a real full rest day in a week now, I need one, but I cant afford to stop. Not even for a day. It was close to noon before I left, went and got a sub for later and was standing in a parking lot with the hiway on one side, and the old hiway on the other. My route wants me to take the old way, the very slight tail wind Im feeling tells me to take the hiway. I jumped on the hiway and ive fucking flown up and down hills, banging out 40kms in like 2.5hrs which for me, is amazing. 40kms were my full day limits just a few short days ago. But now, 40kms is done in just part of the afternoon. Fuck ya. 

Support
My sister, my one or two good friends, and 100s of strangers have continued to give me suppoort via messages, likes, shares, and even donations. It humbles me, it motivates me, it puts me in an emotional place. Messages from people that are on the other side of the world, telling me I inspire them. Its just, not like anything Ive ever experienced before. Again, humbled. Emotional. Thank you, so much. 


The Bad. 

Shut off brain. 
My brain wont shut the fuck up the last couple days. Despite making real progress, despite being so close to finishing my first province, my brain wont slow down. Obsessively repeating thoughts over and over in my head, repeatedly going through worse case scenarios in my head. Its endless. Its so tiring. It drains me more than the road does. While Im pedaling its better but still I lose control of my thoughts and pedal while my eyes glaze over, I lose focus of the road and the pedaling, its the same two or three thoughts over and over and over AND OVER AND OVER again. FUCK. Please stop...
One thought is failing. Id be so embarrassed if I had to stop. For any reason. I would be mortified and probably delete all of my social media and just hide from the world. I cannot stop. I cannot fail this. I cannot embarrass myself or those who are supporting me. I cant stop for those people who are watching me and hoping for success, I cant stop for those who I inspire. I cant stop because people have donated their time and money into this. I can not stop. 
Another thought continues to be my ex. Im not over her, she consumes my thoughts at times. I wont share the dirty details here, but I know despite her issues, it was me. I know that. Relationships are tough but I can be objective and honest and know where I went wrong, where I fucked up. I miss her, I miss the laughing, the gentle softness and time spent together. I miss doing things for her, making her feel better, or making her feel good, I really liked caring for her. I dunno. Fuck it. 
Another big one being a flash in the pan. People supporting me the first week, or two, but what about two months from now? I need them. I do. I cant do this alone. 


The Ugly

The reality
The reality of this trip is this, If I cant get my bank account unlocked Im fucked. I've finally been able to establish why it was locked, and I'm hopeful I can provide the proof required by the bank to show that the etransfer I accepted was for a security deposit and the tenant is using the bank to circumvent the RTA to get her deposit back. Which she shouldn't be able to do, and the Bank IMO are a bunch of assholes for even allowing it to go on this long. 
But, the reality is, I will run out of money in about two weeks. Thats with no full rest days, no campsites, no hotels. Thats just food for two more weeks. Not to mention my shoes are almost wore out through the soles which I didnt expect to happen, they're only 3 weeks old. Now I'm still applying for EI but that will be at least a month away, and probably two. If I cant continue to grow this, and if I cant get sponsors and or donations then this will come to an end. And it sucks that I have to be in this position, the timing is so bad..Ive always done everything alone, I dont ask people for anything, and having so many people behind this and supporting the cause and supporting me, I dont want to ask for more, how could I? I just know that the growth of my blog, insta and tiktok has to continue to go up. as of today, the views on my videos is going down, dramatically. Which is kinda a kick in the balls. 

I have to figure out how to continue to keep people interested, invested, supportive. 

I dont know.